I don’t know what it is that is causing me to delay. The fresh new fears of rejection or the thoughts that feedback about this writing will make me want to curl up into a ball. The fact remains, that something is better than nothing… at least for me. I mean, I am much better off writing something and posting it if I am interested in improving my writing skills… feedback is such a necessary part of this beast. It’s not like I am curing cancer… but for me, it is something that is important that I at least do. Maybe it will get easier. Probably not. Maybe I will get better in time.. it helps that I have been practicing these free writes on my own over the past few months… there is a natural flow that I can tap into with the keyboard… the trick for me is to never allow much of a break.. when I break, I hesitate… and when I hesitate, I fear that I am getting further away from the purest forms of my thoughts.. but what does that even mean in the first place.. “the purest forms of my thoughts” … I think that I believe in the power of the subconscious, yes, but beyond that, I believe that it can be tapped into with these writing exercises… I remember a time in college when I went into a free write… I stayed up taking substances normally reserved for CIA secret mind control experiments and produced a 15-page turd. It got me thinking, at least… when I close my eyes… I want to be able to communicate my thoughts as if I am communicating from a deep sleep, well, that is the goal. And I am not even sure why I would have this goal. Thoughts are scattered and all that appear are faint light dots in the void. It’s as if I have the faith that I have the ability to string them together in my mind.. and I think that is what has brought me here…. The realization that that simply is not possible by the self.. it takes connecting with the people around you to make any significant progress in this area… the communication to connect images and ideas that once were dormant. I know that I am not kidding myself when I think that I can use these exercises to tap into a larger subconscious thought… like tapping into the ether… but I know, at the same time, that I still haven’t been very honest with myself… I haven’t owned up to the fact that there are risks involved in this process that I simply did not want to identify in the past… it boils down to a fear of rejection.. a simple fear of bullshit rejection… when I am my own worse critic, is there really anything for me to fear? Ridicule is one thing, but I own self-hatred in spades when I let it run out of control. We all share the same issues… maybe the dots that I am trying to connect are other people. Dafuq. I reached my daily quota. I’m out. See you tomorrow.