Always waiting until the last moment to get these taken care of… more and more, I delay… because I get faster at typing.. I figure I need less time… and because I need less time, I figure I can put it off for longer… sheesh.. this is a pretty pathetic cycle… I just have to stick to my goals.. I have to stick to the rules that I have in place for myself… like, no electric stimuli past midnight… no t.v., computers, phones… whatever… I can still read, you know, like a book… but I need to get back on a routine where I am breathing without the fear that my lungs are going to collapse because I have stayed up way too late and I’m running on 8 cups of coffee.

I respect myself too much to just let myself go. I’ll still indulge.

But I don’t want to have to fight the mountain ahead of me with an extra pack on my back, you know what I mean?

Just keep typing and don’t forget to breathe… pace yourself.. this is all going to work out in the end.. a little practice and persistence will always pay off.

My grandfather told me that I would be ok.. that’s what he said just a couple days before he passed away. I miss his wisdom. I miss his direction. He had discipline.. he also had walls. It was a different era. But I am here to adopt the things I want.. to inherit the things that are most productive and fulfilling for me. I might feel like I am falling behind at times but I think I trust I am right on schedule.

I am exactly where I am supposed to be..

Finding inspiration in the little things.. the smiles of the unknown passerby.. not understanding the process but learning that it isn’t always about understanding everything involved.. I just have to have faith in the guide that has been provided for me.. the one that has been looking over my shoulder since I was a child… I prayed.. I asked the universe.. I begged for forgiveness.. I almost died that one night.. out of stupidity.. but there is more to this life, I am sure, and I am reminded every day that I am still here for a reason. We all are. We are all here for our own reason and it is up to us to find out what it is.

I can keep going. I can learn to get ahead… in my own mind.. practice patience.. practice love.. practice compassion… empathy… everything is connecting.. wrongdoing towards your neighbor is no different than a wrongdoing against yourself… we all must recognize that we are here for different things but that we are still existing together… composed of the same shit… with the same rules… open up… I am talking in circles.. but that doesn’t mean that I am confused… I am a teacher that is wanting to understand the material better, myself, out of mere repetition.. we are all in this.